Leading After Stress & Trauma (Big T & little t) - How to feel safe at work, in your body, and take control to evolve to a higher self
The body keeps the score' ( Bessel Van Der Kolk, 2015)
Bessel’s book is one amongst many that link the whole of you and not just your brain and mind when we experience anxiety and stress and small-t or big-T trauma.
Trauma can be defined as anything that keeps you stuck and is often accompanied by a sense of feeling small, stalled, and sabotaged in repeat-regret cycles. This piece explores what this means for you and your power; why I have been training as a certified Intuitive Intelligence Trainer; how I blend it with neuroscience, why Deepak Chopra thinks PolyVagal Theory is the next big topic (#BizX2021 for Leaders and Entrepreneurs), & how I use it as part of my toolset!
Why do we need to look at shadows and the subconscious? Some great one-liners:
"Emotions that are buried never die” - Krista Haapala on my course heard that from her client… how right is she!
“You wouldn't use air freshener over a pile of poo and pretend it's not there, right? You need to clean it up” (Angeliques Adams, Tapping Teacher with the Institute) it's the same with you and why we can’t just mindfully let it go…
What’s all this about?
'The body keeps the score' ( Bessel Van Der Kolk, 2015) , I discuss:
Recent breakthroughs in Science to heal
Applied (embodiment) tools for the whole of you from Science that proves and leans into ancient wisdom to take control of your mind, emotions, nervous system and energetic, soul being (Skip to the end of the article for those)
Explain why Deepak Chopra thinks PolyVagal Theory is the next big topic (#BizX2021 for Leaders and Entrepreneurs)
I offer an invitation for three women to experience a free revolutionary mentoring method to help release anything blocking you at the subconscious level - our blind spots (read on to find out more)
I'll also explain why I felt called to leave my glamourous job at Sky to do my master in psychology and brain scanning studies in Oxford and have been studying with The Institute of Intuitive Intelligence in Australia this year.
Vulnerability: Saying it is one thing - saying it out loud and changing is another.
Brene Brown's Ted talk on vulnerability helped many (like myself) start the conversation about how they felt after a big-T, small-t trauma and Stress.
As a Senior Product Manager at Sky, I not only helped build award-winning products, but I also helped run the Sky Product Teams, Women-in-Leadership initiative in 2016/17, I am a volunteer mental health tutor for the charity Restore and also run a miscarriage support group called PebblesStory…
….So I know many women don't feel safe to say that they need help, especially at work. Others may say something, but working, leading and releasing these feelings are very different.
It is not enough to just talk about your feelings- yes - it's part of the process, but then, many people get stuck in their old story. What is key is to recognise the pattern they are left playing out. This pattern and any feelings of shame, guilt, regret etc.- i.e. the fear that often takes away a person's full power.
What is critical to moving on is seeing and releasing this fear and moving it from your whole energetic body. To release the old, you can then journey to joy, freedom and flow (flow is an optimal state of being and consciousness, critical to my work).
What's the result of unmet feelings and release?
While I was writing this, Krista Haapala a Sexologist and Relationship specialist said, 'emotions that are buried never die'. That's my point!
Here are some common thoughts and feelings after a bout of trauma or stress/anxiety:
Am I safe to be me, or do I have to pretend?Will I ever feel like me again? It's been months, but I'm still being activated or triggered.I'm hiding my behaviours of comfort eating (shopping/ drinking/numbing (insert as appropriate), putting things off. (My own research showed comfort eating was the biggest saboteur).I'm second-guessing myself and my decisions.I feel like I'm getting sidelined by bosses and colleagues.Shame - Guilt - Self-judgment = all forms of fear
So what happens next?
You pretend you're fine and compartmentalise your thoughts and life - which is rarely sustainable
Activated (in public) or private - when you least expect it
Your energy, well being, and health takes a dive quickly and often
My intention is really to let you know you're not on your own, and you don't need to struggle in silence. I believe with a bit of knowledge about how it is impacting your whole system; you can evolve and become even stronger. I know I learnt the hard way. I spent thousands of pounds on educating, researching and turning my body, mind, energy, soul into a lab to unpack and rewire myself. I know I am much happier, stronger - yet softer (in a good way), flowing and creative than I ever have been.
How did I get here? Long story short (too late, I hear you say)
After ten years at Sky, two late pregnancy losses, six significant operations, I felt depressed, dejected, isolated. I still led on business-critical projects, smiled, had fun, I love the inventiveness of product management- but some days, I wondered whether breathing was too much - I just didn't want to!
Of course, I was sometimes reactive - but what stopped me from reacting like a crazy woman? I was lucky, with a background in psychology, sport psychology & teaching aerobic; I developed a deep sense of purpose for my daughter and to help others (that’s why I’m here today).
But at the time, to stop me from saying something I would regret - I used a picture of a Space- Hooper (check out the tools section at the end). This tactic helped with awareness, and I knew I needed to release the trauma from my body.
Back to Stress and Leadership
There are many leaders, women who work under this 'high-functioning anxiety, but the truth is, it's not sustainable.
As a leader, the one thing that stands out for a long term successful leader, according to Steve Kotler in The Art of the Impossible, is thinking with agility and creativity. Stress collapse the brain's parts that allow you to think divergently, an essential aspect of creativity.
I'm trying hard not to geek out and talk too much about neuroscience but, take a look at the image. You will see that there are six main brainwaves states.
Think of your brain like the gears of a car.
The top 1% of high performers, deep meditators, and intuitive can quickly navigate the brain's gears to perform, calm, or create. The key is to cross into the Alpha state - I like to call this 'Alpha Bridge’, which can help you create or get into deep states of consciousness.
The problem: High stress tends to leave most people in High-Beta, and this sends cortisol out to your body, too; too much of that can lead to a plethora of health issues and leaves your nervous system drained and on high alert. For a leader or any person, this is not an optimal state and not conducive to fulfilling your goals, dreams and future vision for yourself or your company.
What's the impact? - Your body (your nervous system) holds the score
Recent groundbreaking research, called the Polyvagal Theory, centers around the Vagus Nerve.
This nerve is the 10th cranial nerve running to all your vital organs, from your spinal cord (your power cable) down from the head to heart and another part running to your gut. A low Vagal Tone indicates bad health, poor gut health, low resilience, low energy, and social engagement. The research shows that your nervous system carries and stores this stress and trauma for years, often since childhood, much like a memory form - which is why many experts argue that your body holds the score.
Trying to be creative, lead and perform cognitive executive functions (like making strategic decisions), staying emotionally regulated, never mind using your Intuition, is severely compromised.
Why do I focus on embodiment and movement?
There's hope - The key thing to note is that the information is Bi-directional from your body to the brain, i.e. a lot of the information travels from your body to the brain (80%). So sending signals back to your body matters and helps. The section at the end of this article shows some technics.
I am currently gaining certification for applied Poly Vagal Theory for Yoga with Stephen W. Porges (the first author to write about this finding in the 1990s) and Dr Arielle Schwartz. I will undoubtedly be sharing more applied techniques and movements in workshops in January 2022. If you are interested, contact me as I am, putting together research and practices or check out books or papers by Porgies and Peter Levine (it's a bit technical)
Predicting your behaviour - Unconscious Processing
The brain is a pattern-predictor; it's constantly looking out for similar situations, cues, triggers (a smell, a song, an image) to see if you are safe. Unless the source of the fear and its meaning to you is witnessed and diffused/reset, a similar trigger will unconsciously activate you - the emotional hijack.
What results are behaviours or patterns of thinking that can lead to a repeat-regret cycle, like comfort eating, getting angry, or sadness - and all this will happen at a fast, unconscious level. Let me share how.
Talking to the brain, not you…
My brain scanning studies as part of my Masters in Psychology in 2018 showed clearly that our unconscious reacts quicker than our conscious, even if the person doesn't see what triggers them. I showed them an image so fast that their visible eye couldn't see, but it impacted their response; A result seen on many other similar EEG studies. (see the poster here for more information).
If the Body holds the score, the Unconscious holds the secrets
Why is that important? The Unconscious Emotional Hi-jack
As humans, we a bombarded with stimuli, many invisible to the eye. However, these will talk to your unconscious mind and cause the emotional hijack, unless you have a regulated nervous system and sell-mastery.
The unconscious is trying to decide what to attend to or not, its number 1 priority being your protection/survival. In covid, we have unconsciously been on high alert - looking for an invisible threat. For anyone not stressed before, know it or not, this will be affecting you.
In The Power of the subconscious mind by Joseph Murphy, he says:
"Your subconscious mind controls all the vital processes of your body and knows the answers to all the problems" There is real hope here!
Your power centres, and nervous system has information to tell you if you know how to communicate with it. I am excited because I am attending a seminar by the British Psychology Society on the Power of Altered Consciousness and enhanced functioning on the 13th November 2021.
For the last 20 years, there has been a raft of studies and books to show the power of the subconscious to heighten performance, creativity, Intuition, enlightenment and release stress, anxiety and trauma - yet many of these studies have not been discussed in the mainstream. However, my year-long course with the Institute of Intuitive Intelligence has been leaning heavily into this science and quantum physics to prove its efficacy and use a method that positively changes lives. Mine included.
After years of not feeling safe in my body (due to my colour I know realise), impacting my nervous system and the baby losses. operations - I turned to Science, CBT and mindfulness but found them lacking. It wasn't until I found a teacher from the Institute of Intuitive Intelligence that I started to face up to what was holding me back - I knew I was stuck, blocked, but I didn't know what it was. This was the tool and the method led by a certified intuitive intelligence trainer who firstly led me and saw into areas I knew but couldn't access, then empowered me to see and free myself.
My next step:
My initial teacher, Kim Newing, an amazingly intuitive and star on Insight Timer, suggested I do the course myself as she felt this was my soul's purpose too. It was a no-brainer -I did the initial 8-week training, had an interview with the Institute and was luckily accepted to do this year-long course. Ok, the course has been more demanding and costly - more than my masters - but by far the best thing I have done, and I have geeked out on the Science of Intuition.
Need more convincing on Intuition?
There is a plethora of research from the likes of Dawson Church, Dr Joe Dispense, Becoming supernatural, Andrew Newberg, PHD author of 'How enlightenment changes your brain'. They show that deep meditation makes you more creative, reduces stress, and heal your body and trauma and increases your Intuition. I run workshops on these topics, so again happy to share.
Finally - The Tools: Empower yourself now
This article has provided the why and the what, talking to the cognitive brain. However, the truth is, nothing changes from the level of the cognitive mind alone. You have to feel and experience the change and lead from the heart and soul for lasting change. So when you use the following tools, use your beautiful imagination and feel into them, and repetition is the key. We have years of programming that needs to be reset, so give yourself permission to change and repeat. You got this! If I can help - please get in touch with me on
Stop Reacting & giving away your power - The Space Hooper
Press Pause - Don't React - Respond as a calm human. If you can sense you are going to react because you feel instantly warmer or contracted, it's your moment to press pause, then:
Take a breath in for 4
Image a 1970's Space Hopper - Ride it - jumping backwards
Breath out slowly counting backwards: 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 -
Smile: You're in control & your not giving up your power today by reacting
When you're ready - calm;y open your mouth and speak with integrity: You will be heard (not ignored because you used your angry voice that makes any good message!)
Why it works:
Space Hopper is fun and kicks in your Seratonin and reduces the adrenalin your body that drives stress. Counting backwards gives your brain something to focus on while breathing out activates the parasympathetic nervous system needed to calm your nervous system down.
(I have used this one for years and have a little picture on my desk to prepare for knotty meetings)
2. The Rescue - Your breath - rescue breath for overwhelm is your first port of call if you are in a moment of overwhelm and stress:
Starting pose:
Drop your tongue to the bottom of your mouth and relax your jaw
Note - breath out through gated teeth to slow the out-breath
Slow and steady breath - in for four out for 6 & imagine breathing from the centre of your heart
Bring to mind a place, person or thing you love and let yourself be fully absorbed in those grateful thoughts for at least 1 to 3 minutes - giving yourself over to it completely!
Why it works:
The only thing you control at will is your breath, and it's powerful. A powerful tool is Pranayama breathing: Prana = vital life force (sustaining the body)' and Ayama - to regulate, or extend and draw out. There is an upsurge of breathing classes at the moment to help you regain control and regulate the system, I share just one, but I also use it to fire your motivation and awaken your life force.
3. Activating your Vegal nerve - there are different techniques, but these do not require 1:1 supervision.
Very gently press under the eyebrow points and slowly circle around your eyebrow and eye socket. This activates a meridian point relating to anger and calls in calmness, disappointment, bitterness, hunger and creates contentment.
Cross arm hug. This activated the connection and self-acceptance and love, which we rarely give ourselves. Even better, do it in the mirror and signal to the brain that you really care for yourself; it will light up and love you back.
Diaphram breathing - three-part breathing. Imagine your diaphragm and the space it holds; that is your connection to your gut and needs to be open and expansive to allow the oxygen in.
Slowly, consciously breathe in three parts - firstly into the belly under the diaphragm - to the heart and then the chest. Hold and release with an extended slow breath from the mouth.
4. Give yourself permission, then Root to Rise (a yoga favourite)
Root to Rise
Be Ground - flexible but strong
Image a tree growing from your spine, like a palm tree, feel your roots strong but flexible, enough to bend to be resilient, to withstand any wind and hurricanes of life. This is your root - Root to Rise!
Awareness that you have been activated or feeling sensitive today is a real success. Bringing consciousness to everything you do is harder than it sounds, but this is the solution
Remember to do all the tools above with real feeling and imagination; otherwise, your protective minds will just dismiss them. Take control if you want control.
You're not a product of your past, be who you are meant to be, not conditioned to be
Please note - Spaces for the free sessions are full but the first 5 people to email me can benefit from a half-price session
Don't forget to email me by January 5th 2022 if you would like to take advantage of the half-price introductory deal:
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I have been practising all year to become a certified Intuitive Intelligence Trainer with the Institute of Intuitive Intelligence. Now I am so excited I am approaching my final few months, and in preparation for my final assessment.
What's involved in this soul journey to clear your subconscious?
An invitation for 3 participants (Sorry there full) to take part in 2 sessions (90 min and 75 minutes sessions)
Journey into your sub-conscious to uncover fears and limiting self-beliefs that may be limiting you, your power and reaching your true potential and freedom
Session 1 - The Method - Online Sessions
I guide you to see and clear your subconscious dominant-negative self-belief.
The apparent fear is very rarely what is holding us back, there tends to be something deeper, and that is what I am trying to uncover, and together, we see how that has been impacting you and your energy, your power centres and chakras, (if you are aware of that terminology). These are the steps to uncover your inner wisdom
Session 2 - The Follow-up
A co-creative led session, where we continue to unravel and reset your sub-conscious and nervous system
I provide embodiment tools to help you heal and be amazed at your own intuition start to come alive
Eligibility?
The sessions will be held from November 15th to December 16th 2021, and you must commit to 2 sessions
Happy for the sessions to be recorded and reviewed
No Family or very close friends (If you are comfortable with sharing with me, then I am happy to serve)
Who's this for:
If you're in a repeat-regret cycle, feeling blocked, small, stuck in trauma or sabotaged
I specialise in women in leadership and creatives/innovators - as that is my background
Women who are curious about energy, the soul's purpose, universal laws
I do not need to know your background or story; I just need you to be open to your soul, chakras and power centres.
Please email me at info@awakeningflow.com if you are interested.
Please note, The Institute is a registered training provider of the International Institute of Complimentary Therapies (IICT). In addition to the above, we adhere to the IICT code of ethics.
Find out more about the Institute here:
Please note that this is deep work and may not be suitable for everyone. Get in touch with me if you would like to discuss it further. It is also not psychoanalytical and will not dwell in the story of what; we aim to see the patterns and how it takes away your power; together, I empower you to release whatever needs to be released.
Kind regard
Nila
Nila Matthews
An Intuitive at the intersection of Science, ancient wisdom, creativity and behavioural product technology for transformation
My mission is to inspire and leave a legacy of free, joyful, flowing souls fulfilling their purpose &, in so doing, permitting others to do the same - Consciousness & Energy Raising
#labelfreeliving.
Instagram: nila_awakeningflow
Podcast: WTF, What the flow (Watch this space:)
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