Three Reasons We Need To Rebel Against Ourselves To Have Better Relationships & Power
After reflecting on a few weeks of disappointments, I realised I was still disempowering myself, something I thought I had stopped years ago! How? I was Fawning, part of the F’s: Fight - Flight - Freeze - Fawn, so it's not all my fault! Here’s how I realised and what to do about it, and it starts with an internal rebellion!
Time to Rebel
What part of your old conditioning is holding you back?
Imagine you’ve pulled out all the stops to create an excellent piece of work, your passion and perseverance, i.e. grit to get it done, as a business start-up. You're pushing against the grain, and you did it. Your feeling – pretty damn good, and then…
It gets cancelled. Sucker punch! But then, to the other person, you say: “Oh, that’s ok!" and you suck it up! Well. Who’s the sucker!
Are you with me? Have you been there? Maybe for you, it was a client chat or a meeting that you thought would go better, but you came off worse. Or a one-sided relationship, and you haven’t said what you really think, trying to please or appease them, and so you say what they wanted to hear rather than your truth?
Why? Because we fawned!
It might not be our fault (initially) because fawning is like one of the three 3 FFF responses: Fight – Flight – Freeze. It’s an automatic reaction when we’re not conscious of it.
Fawning is closely attached to freeze, but it’s the Good Girl, Good Boy, people pleaser response. We may take on too many tasks at work as we always say 'yes and get things done. We may become submissive in relationships, being polite or saying nothing even if we don't agree. This means we are not acting on our intuitive gut feeling, putting our self-worth and demands forward or discussing them at the start or during a relationship or interaction. We allow the situation and others to dictate what is happening, be it a boss, spouse, friend or client. i.e. We are not winning.
Is there a part of you that does that, too?
There are three reasons we need to rebel against ourselves and our fawn reaction.
It is a condition that will block our progress.
When humans get challenged or feel unsafe, our autonomic nervous system will go into fight, flight and freeze, but there is a fourth. Fawn. Many somatic experts who heal and deal with the nervous system often speak of the 4Fs, fawning being the fourth. However, there is one big difference. Unlike the other three reactions, fawning is a learned response, not a reflex.
We may have learned to stay quiet when faced with authority figures and under the radar from strict parents at home or school. Or felt the need to be liked to fit in with social groups or to stay safe. As we get older, this plays out in relationships where we are too afraid to say what we really need and want and at work, we may be the ones who everyone relies on and says, ‘Oh, give it them X, they’ll do it!” and you just smile and do it!
For me, at school, I was happy to be a wallflower to avoid racial prejudice, and my dad at the time, well, let’s say, demanded respect. At work, I smiled and just did it. I thought that this conditioning was something I had left behind.
In hindsight, this has happened three times in the last three months:
Same - same - but different, an echo of the past. Hence, I’m taking a moment to learn and integrate so I don’t do this again, so I began my reflections.
Reflecting on the last month, I realise that my fawning response may still be present and hindering my progress, voice and achieving my future ambitions and hopes. Here’s what I reflected on:
Did I ask enough questions of others when I started negotiations or in relationships?
Did I state my expectations, and did it match the other person's?
Did I consider my worth, needs and feelings?
Did I create a healthy boundary? A healthy yes, a healthy no.
Is this relationship a win-win?
The answer is no, so I invite you to reflect on where you could be doing the same and put your worth first compassionately. Of course, there are excellent reasons why things didn’t work out. However, getting conscious with a healthy sense of ‘worth’ ensures you stay in your sovereignty, where all your relationships and negotiations are made consciously, and both parties win. The foundations of healthy relationships.
2. When we fawn, we become the bystander of regret.
I recently had a bizarre incident with an ex-prime minister. The upshot was that I didn’t act, which could have resulted in a tragic accident. I felt awful, and although I was about to intervene and nearly did, I hesitated, and I didn’t listen to my gut because I saw the ‘said person’ and fawned! I did nothing! My ‘self-protective voice said:
“Who am I to act.” “What will they think - Surely they will do something!!!”
But what I should have done was to get out of my car, acted immediately and then given them the perspective of the danger (and a piece of my mind) as there was more at risk than him and me!
I often tell my daughter it’s worse to stand by and do nothing, being the bystander, and here I was, fawning against my better nature. I am rectifying this situation to avoid future problems, and yes, it needs courage. And guess what? I, like you, have courage, so am I acting to ensure this never happens again, even if they don’t like it! The biggest price to pay is the price of regret so I will do something!
3. Fawning is disempowering and leads to a shutdown.
By fawning, we’re collapsing and being resigned. The state is associated with the child, the pleaser, helplessness and giving up. This can disempower us, where we may start to believe we have no power and all our gifts and productivity are lost in a heap under our duvet as we hide from the world (well, that’s what I did anyway.)
How do we move out of that state?
There are different strategies, but let me talk about our basic neuro-physiology and resilience nerve, the Vagus nerve. This is our emotional resilience and social connection nerve.
On the diagram, you will see there is a hierarchy in our physiology. The bottom is dorsal or collapse and fawn, to the heart at the sympathetic nervous system (movement, excitement, the fight or escape) and then the Ventral vagal at the top, where we are in healthy connection with ourselves and others. This is the ideal state, but we need all three in a balanced way.
If this was a ladder, and the bottom was collapse and despair, where fawn is placed, a good, healthy dose of motivation from anger may take you up the ladder and provide the energy to get you back into the fighting spirit.
The State of the Vagus Nerve when we are Safe Vs. not safe:
Dorsal – In safety, we rest and digest Vs not safe, we collapse or Fawn.
Sympathetic – In safety, Play, excite, Vs. Combat and escape.
Ventral – In connection with self and others.
In a podcast, With Beautiful Business, I talk about the Vagus Nerve and argue about the need to build resilience and the importance of learning to navigate our different neuro-physiological states to optimally perform, create and be in better relationships at work and in life. For a sneak peek, check out this 90-second video below.
I know our ability to create, innovate and perform has everything to do with our well-being and navigating our inner world.
This may sound counterculture, and it is, and so are the tools and protocols we need to use to get us there. I am writing and researching this.
It’s my mission to raise awareness on this for businesses and people to get empowered and flow. It’s time!
This means being a rebel and doing things against the grain of work and education - optimising our neurobiology, i.e. how we are engineered to start to empower ourselves consciously! We need to rebel against our old conditions and the system!
The upshot:
Don’t get angry at the other person; get angry to get back in the game, move some energy, or better, become curious enough to steer you back into reflection and productive action, because remember:
How we treat ourselves is how we let others treat us – reflect on how you are treating yourself, and others may be mirroring that.
How we handle our successes and failures determines the measure of worth – reflect, learn, integrate, and move on. Don’t find that you’re in the same -same – but different situation again!
Get clearer with your boundaries and values. As my somatic teacher used to say:
“What are you available for and not available for?” Be unapologetic!
Take care, friend! Let me know if this happens to you and where you are on your journey to be empowered!
With Moonbeams
Nila
On a mission to change how we innovate at work and democratise our genius creative flow for breakthroughs, not burnout.
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