On Reflection: Why I didn't tell the whole truth: Shame!

We all have defining pivotal moments, and I was lucky enough to have awakening (through chaos), but when I was asked to share, I omitted one part...

I was asked back in May to tell my story for a website called Unvaeld. As the name suggests, it is a site and community for people going through tough times, primarily as work. The aim is to share defining moments or issues to help others in a similar situation have courage and provide community so people don't feel alone.

The power of sharing, storytelling, and community is essential to help with what has become a pandemic and contributor to raising mental health crisis: Loneliness and feeling like no one else understands. 

I was shocked when I was told that 300 people watched my story in the first two weeks. Wow - People found it useful, so I thought I would share it here.. just in case it can help anyone here!?

In this video, I admit that one of the reasons I also left work to go to university was Shame. Shame of all my illnesses, especially when I went back to work. I don't go into the full details behind the Shame and anger in the video (I explain the details below), but that incident left a limiting and painful narrative within me! 

"I'm not good enough". 

In the context of the alchemical & metaphysical saying:

“As Within, so without. As Above, so Below.” Which implies that our inner world reflects our outer world.

…this is the Shame I carried around - As Within - which compounded old stories of events that - proved to my critical voice, my internal bias, that I 'wasn't good enough.' Why bother? You'll fail again!

And how did they play out? I felt small, stuck and sabotaged. It compounded my upper-limit problem. This means I often stop myself from trying; I got upset and depressed, drank when I got upset, ate rubbish, and didn't speak to people. I nearly quit university because I thought I wasn't good enough (I eventually got a distinction). 

Maybe just reflect on yourself:

Have you got an upper limit problem?

What's your pattern?

In the short video below, I explain my path and a few tools to free myself, why I know there is a myth of the work-life balance (that’s another post and one I am passionate about creating awareness on), and what to do about it. But there was one pivotal moment, a defining moment that I didn't talk to in the video.

The 5 minute Video on Unvaeld

What happened to give me Shame?

Context: I returned to work three months after my sixth (and final) operation, and then three weeks later, my father-in-law suddenly passed, so I had to take two days off. 

Fast forward three months, and my intuition was nudging me to a new direction. I wasn't listening, but I was bored and frustrated at work. Was I really going to listen to my intuition and leave work to return to university on an unknown path to, who knew where? 

My logical brain said: 'You work for a reputable company with good pay, mostly great people. Try a new position." So I had a chat with a Director about a potential promotion, who I thought was a friend, and he said:

"The thing is, Nila, you are great, but the truth is - as a friend - we think you may be too inconsistent!"

WTF!!! 

I had heard many Directors and Executives on stage tell us of their health ‘come back stories,’ … but here I was. Did that just apply to successful Executives? Inquiring minds wonder?

I had no idea, at that moment, that my life would change forever. Or even more shockingly, just how much it would change… In conversation with that Director, I was hit with Anger (of course, I said nothing) and in the next breath, total SHAME! And in the background, my intuition quietly smiled and said: "Nila. Ready for your new path now? Hell, Yer!

The moral of my story is this:

Chaos enters our lives to shake things up when we are ignoring our path. To put us on a new and meaningful life path. Like it or not, it will find a way. Listen to that quiet voice. Be open to it when it’s nudging you, not pushing you. I thank that Director now, wherever he is.

Nevertheless, we still need to clear the unhelpful narrative of our critical mind ( I call mine Bad Janet, in reference to the comedy series. The Good Place). It wants to label us and will create an upper limit within us. That leads to trauma that gets stuck in our nervous system, which will stop us or pull us back from flowing forward in active hope. It may cause depression, cynicism, and burnout. The upper limit problem is the: "As Within" part of the alchemical saying: As Within, So Without. 

The real work isn't in recognising that we have an upper limit or even the story of where it came from. The story really doesn't matter. The real work and courage is in dismantling it and finding ease in the nervous system. 

I know now that my intuitive flow and my joy in life didn't flow until I cleared out those narratives and attended to my nervous system!

This is why I am running a free master class (or grab the recording) - if you are ready to be free and liberated of known or unknown blocks to your unlimited potential and, ultimately, your intuitive voice, which our critical cognitive voice can mute out. 

Reach out if this resonates or please come along to the masterclass! Speak soon, friend.

With Moonbeams

Nila

www.awakeningflow.com

PS. Why Flow? Flow is being in the being of your most optimal self and consciousness. Flow & ripple with joy & purpose.